My Struggle for The Perfect Body

As a kid, I was always skinny and very active. I had no idea what it meant to overeat or be overweight.

Up until high school.

Something changed, and when I hit 17 years old, for the first time in my life I put on weight.

And for the past 12 years, my weight has been going up and down.

My closet has been packed with clothes in 4 different sizes. At any given time, there was always something that was either too big, or too small.

Even today I don’t exactly know why it started. But the fact is that I started hiding from everyone, closing myself in my room and just… eat. And eat more. And more. Until I felt there was no more space in me. And then a little more.

It was such a weird feeling… It would feel as there was a hole in me, and I desperately needed to fill it up. I never knew where that hole came from. I never learnt what it meant. All I know is that it was there, and its presence made me extremely uncomfortable.

So I ate.

And once I filled that hole all the way up, I’d feel like the worst person ever. The guilt and regret would flood my whole body not allowing me to see or feel anything else. I was always so mad and upset at myself for doing it.

But then I would do it again.

Apart from these moments, I am a very healthy person. I love healthy foods, I eat tons of vegetables, I drink water, I exercise. I do everything that is recommended for a long and healthy life. This is probably what’s been saving me from becoming obese as a consequence of my binging. And that’s probably why nobody ever knew about my eating disorder.

I really wanted it to stop. I didn’t want to eat like this. I didn’t want to hide from others with a bag of groceries. And I didn’t want to get the looks from others when I put on weight.

I tried being strong. I tried proper planning. I organised my meals. I created a schedule for working out.

But I broke. Every single time.

I was too weak.

That’s what I used to think. That it’s all the matter of my willpower.

Slowly, however, a new idea started growing in my mind. It was a revolutionary concept, and frankly I didn’t believe it at the beginning.

But the more I read and studied, the more I understood that it makes perfect sense.

Keeping or releasing weight has very little to do with your willpower.

In fact I know people who do not exercise and eat tons of unhealthy foods, and stay fit.

And then there are those who have very healthy lifestyles, and yet their bodies stubbornly keep those extra pounds.

Though what you eat and whether your exercise or not impacts your weight, the true secret to finding an ideal weight lies somewhere else. And it’s your emotional wellbeing.

Are you happy? Do you feel safe? Do you love yourself?

When everything is going well in your life, your weight naturally comes back to that ideal state. And you don’t need any diet for that.

Think of the last time you fell in love. You didn’t think of food! You ate only as much as you really needed. You were happy. And you looked great.

But what about the times when everything falls apart? When you break up with your boyfriend. Or you lose your job?

You might be following the best diet on the planet, but if you’re miserable, your body will be miserable, too.

How we look is a direct reflection of how we feel.

There is one more thing that stops us from achieving the ideal weight. And this is the real big reason.

It’s the fear.

The fear of… ideal weight.

If you’re struggling to have the body you want, then I want you to close your eyes and imagine you look exactly as you want. And now ask yourself:

“What’s the worst thing that will happen to me, if I look like this?”

Don’t try to push away any thoughts, just because they don’t make sense. Most likely your answer will not. And you might be shocked to realise the answer. After all, why would you not want to have a perfect body!

We often don’t try things because we are afraid of failure. But even more often we don’t try because we are afraid of success.

Do you know why I fear having a perfect body?

Because then I will get into a relationship.

You’d think it’s a stupid fear. But on some deeper level I am afraid of getting into a relationship and this fear is very real for me. It’s real enough to make me overeat and keep extra weight. I realised it only recently, but now I clearly see how for years I would put on a few kilos to keep men away. Whenever I started attracting a lot of attention, I’d start overeating.

This is the big one you must understand and clear. Unless you realize what your fear is, you will never be able to have the body you want. But, if you let go of that fear, releasing weight will be natural and fast.

I managed to clear that fear about 2 years ago. I looked great (I even had abs :P). And… I attracted a great guy.

The problem is, that great guy turned out to be not-so-great after all. This relationship caused me a lot. I got severely depressed with suicidal thoughts. And ever since, I’ve been struggling to release a few kilos.

So I’m looking into my fear again. Today I don’t fear being in a relationship. I fear that I will get hurt by the person I love. And so I keep an extra weight to keep that “perfect” man away.

But I’ll be honest with you. I’m tired. I don’t want that one guy to impact my life like this. Enough damage has been done, it’s time he stopped controlling my life. I want to re-take control of my life and my future.

And today marks the day when I make this commitment.  And this is why I wrote this article for you.

…you absolutely must fall in love with yourself.

When we carry extra weight, we easily blame our bodies. Instead of loving our bodies, we hate it.

Let me ask you something. If somebody hated you that much, would you be willing to do what they ask you to? Or would you ignore them?

If you want your body to follow you and listen to you, you need to be caring and loving towards it. Treat it like a child – that’s what I do.

Talk to your body and ask it what it needs. Ask what it would like from you. Every time before eating, ask it what it would like to eat. And every time before working out, ask it what type of exercises it wants to do.

Appreciate and praise your body. 

After all, its sole purpose of existence is to serve you. It’s here to support you in everything. No matter where you go, it’s there with you. Don’t you think it deserves a “thank you” from you? 

Don’t love yourself only when you look great in your new clothes, with perfect hair and make up. That’s what I used to do.

This is not self-love. That’s simply finding yourself attractive.

You need to get to the state when you love yourself just as much when you’ve just woke up and your hair is messy. Because true love in unconditional.

Ad you must love and accept yourself unconditionally if you want others treat you like this.

the way people treat us is a direct consequence of ho we treat ourselves. you need to show how to tray you with the example of how you treat yourself.

There are 3 steps for you to take from this article.

1. Heal your heart to feel emotionally free and happy. You need that for your body to feel happy and healthy too

2. Understand what scares you the most about having the perfect body.

3. Start practicing self-love. Do it by speaking to your body as you were talking to a child. Care for it, ask it what it wants. And thank your body for everything it’s been doing for you.