The Pain After A Breakup

My recent breakup has been the most painful experience of my life. I went through depression and even hurt myself physically.

Since then I’ve read tons of books on relationships and self-love. I tried various healing practices. Slowly, I started emerging out of it, feeling more positive and in control of my life. Despite occasional lows, I can now objectively look at my relationship and notice all the lessons.

Because no matter how much pain I felt, it was one of the most valuable lessons of my life, and for that I am, and always will be, grateful.

I strongly believe that every experience in our lives happens for a reason. There is always something we are meant to learn, or teach.

Intimate relationships are a very special kind of such experiences. They are what gives us the deepest pleasure, but also what causes the most acute pain. These are the moments in which everything we were trying to hide about ourselves will come up. Any limiting belief, any self-doubt, any fear. Both about you and about him.

Every relationship will experience difficulties once that starts happening. And it will start. This is the nature of relationships. It doesn’t make them bad, it just makes them valuable for our growth.

There is nothing you can do about it.

But what you can do, is choose how to react. We have free will and nobody can force us to do anything. So it is your choice whether you’re going to embrace it and face your inner demons, or not.

Life will keep giving us the same lesson over and over again, until we get it.

So if you choose you don’t want it, that you’d rather keep hiding your shadows inside you and live as nothing ever happened, than you will likely find your current relationship inconvenient, and so you will end it.

You will shortly after get in a new relationship, but to your surprise, this will soon become inconvenient for you too. And unless you make a decision to accept your lesson, this will keep happening in your life over and over again.

And some people live like this. This is their choice. Everybody has their own path and we need to respect that.

My ex lives like this. It is his choice.

It took me a while to understand that. He didn’t try much in the relationship, if it meant going outside of his comfort zone. We didn’t grow together. And when we finally broke up, he started dating a new girl only few weeks after.

In the beginning I took it personally. I though that it all never mattered to him, and was not important. That I was not important.

But now I understand that it has nothing to do with me. It is his decision whether he takes life’s challenges as opportunities to grow or not. He chose the way of safety and comfort. The less painful one. And there is nothing wrong about that.

But I decided otherwise. I though to myself: If I wasn’t strong enough to face this pain, then I wouldn’t have been given this experience. I can do it. And I will emerge stronger, more in line with my true essence, and happier.

The path isn’t always easy. It’s painful. To the point where you feel like breaking and you lose any hope of getting better. But it will get better. I can promise you this, because I’ve experienced it.

There is a beautiful analogy in Eckhart Tolle’s New Earth (which, if you haven’t read, please do – it’s going to change how you look at life).

Imagine you have a thorn in your arm. Whenever you or somebody else touches it, it hurts.

So you have two choices. You can either protect the thorn so it doesn’t get touched, or you can simply tear it out. The second option makes more sense. Yes, you will feel pain taking the thorn out, but then it will be gone forever and once it’s healed, you will feel no pain and will never have to worry about it again.

The problem is that a lot of people choose the first option. They protect their thorn. They design their whole lives around it. And they don’t realise that they become the victims and slaves to that thorn.

We all have such thorns in us. We all fear not being loved or accepted. And so we will avoid situations that can make us feel just that.

For long I was an example of such behaviour. For 27 years of my life I avoided, and never got into an intimate relationship. I felt much more in control being single. I didn’t have to risk becoming vulnerable and getting hurt by somebody I cared about.

But if you do that, you are pushing away the most beautiful experiences in your life.

Imagine that you have that physical thorn in your arm. You have to avoid crowds, small places or moving too much. You limit your life and how much you can experience it just to make sure that no one ever touches the thorn.

So after my breakup I had a choice to make. I had my thorn in me. And it got touched and pushed and twisted causing a horrible pain. I could then decide to cover it and run away from anything that could touch it. I could have pretended that I’m strong and nothing happened. I could have also jumped right into the next relationship. Or, I could have chosen not to breakup at all and stay in the mediocre relationship.

But I chose to get that thorn out of me.

I feel much lighter now. I understand my needs and wants so much better. And I’m building strength to ask and get it (which I wouldn’t do before fearing he would take away his love). Most of all, I am learning to be myself. To fully accept myself. And to love myself.

The next relationship I’ll have is not going to be based on a fear. It’s not going to be based on any needs. It will be based purely on love. But unless you choose to tear the thorn out, you will never be able to experience that.

Just because the process is painful, don’t run from it. Don’t let it stop you from experiencing something amazing. And never let your ex partner decide this path for you. Somebody who didn’t know how to appreciate you is not the person you should give away your lesson for.

Remember, everything is duality. There is dark and there is light. There is day and there is night. There is pain, and there is love.

We need to understand that every experience comes with both. Don’t run away from the bad, because you will be running away from the good, too. Embrace both.

Stay strong, continue your journey. You’ve come so far already. Don’t give up now. Don’t go back. Just a bit longer and you will finally wake up strong and full of love like never before.

If you’re hurting now, I know it’s tough. I know that when the pain gets so strong, you would do anything to stop it. Anything – including suicide.

I was there not long time ago. I still sometimes feel the pain and anger. But I already feel so much better.

If I had a chance to go back and eliminate my pain – I wouldn’t. Because I needed it to believe in myself and that I deserve better. We all need to believe that we deserve the best. Otherwise we will stay in bad relationship never feeling worthy enough.

This is your time, your journey. Embrace it. You are on your way towards something beautiful and amazing and I’m so happy for you. I’m with you in this journey. And if you ever need support or somebody to listen to, you can always email me.

With love,

Magda Kay