The Pain of A Breakup

As I write this, tears are dripping down my cheeks…

I’m 28. Last year I met an amazing guy. I fell in love. It was the first time I was ever in love, and first time I ever started a relationship. It took me so long to start believing that I can have love.

He did it all. He made it safe for me. He loved me. The most beautiful feeling ever.

But it ended almost as abruptly as it started. Just like I could feel very strongly in my heart how much he loved me, I could feel that he stopped caring. He became cold. Stopped telling me he loved me.. Stopped touching me…

I knew it didn’t make sense to be together, but I didn’t want to let go. I always remembered the good times, so good… I wanted it back.

Finally it got so cold between us, that there was no other way. We decided to split.

Though I was the one who pushed for the breakup, I was also the one who broke. He seemed very cool with the decision, barely moved. For me a big part of my life was ending, for him it seemed as he was choosing which restaurant to go. No emotions at all…

We still had a trip planned in a couple of week, for New Year’ Eve. We decided to go.

It was in Bali. We booked a romantic villa… I though I can do it just as friends. I was wrong…

Being so close to him, in such a magical place, brought a lot of feelings back. I didn’t have the answer. I didn’t want to get back together, I knew how different we are. And yet I missed him. I longed for him to hold me, to kiss me…

One night he made a move. I was really surprised. But I went with it. And we had sex in this old, passionately, purely for pleasure way.

I remember that he didn’t kiss me. Not even once. It was pure body-to-body experience. I knew something had broken and it was not coming back. His heart was close.

On that trip my emotions finally took over and I burst into tears. I realized this was really over. He did not want me back.

We then talked and what followed broke my heart into million pieces…

I asked him if he slept with somebody in the recent month. And he said yes. In less than a week after we broke up, he already slept with another woman. And that was before we went for our trip.

I never imagined I could feel so much pain. It was as something was sucking my heart, pulling it out of my chest and I wasn’t strong enough to protect it. I can’t describe it. But it was probably the worst thing I ever felt.

After we came back I went into a severe depression. I have never in my life felt such a pain. The emotional pain became a very real physical pain. I could feel my heart breaking… I could feel a black hole in my chest that I couldn’t fill with anything. My heart was so shattered there were no pieces to put back together.

Day after day… I just lied in my bed crying, not being able to move. I was exhausted. I stopped eating. I stopped seeing my friends. I was so consumed by pain. It got so bad that I tried to cut myself – only to distract myself from my emotions. I lost control over it. I begged for it to stop. I would have done anything to stop it. That included taking my own life…

I was desperately searching for help.

And I finally found it. I started doing energy healing with a lovely woman. It helped. It was the only thing that helped..

She helped me understand why I felt this pain. And maybe for the first time in my life made me aware how I invite situations to my life; how I am responsible for things.

See, the truth is, I never loved myself. I thought I didn’t deserve good, I was not worthy of love. I didn’t even know what love was.

When we are in such a state, we can never attract love to our lives. What I attracted – him – was the opposite. It was the experience to mirror what my beliefs were.

I realized he never loved me – because I didn’t love myself. He never told me I was beautiful, nor made me feel beautiful – because I didn’t think I was beautiful. And when he finally stopped loving me, he proved me right – I didn’t deserve love.

I started working on overcoming all these beliefs I had about myself. And it started to work. I started feeling fresh and happy again. Happy to be who I am, where I am.

Then something happened.

I’ve had a bit more downs recently. I don’t know why but my head filled with thoughts of him again. I started missing him. Hoping there is a way for us to get back together. It’s been 4 months since the breakup… Clearly I haven’t moved on.. There was something in me that was not ready to let go of him.

And this is where the hit came.

I found out he is seeing someone.

Less than a week to sleep with somebody…. less than 4 months to find another girlfriend…

I felt so disrespected. So hurt. Betrayed. And stupid. Cause here I am in tears again, crawling in my bed not able to walk, while he is happy with somebody else.

Here I am turning my own life into pain, day after day, by not letting go of him. While he is happy with somebody else.

And I know her. I met her while we were together. He must have liked her long before we broke up.

I told him once that it really hurts to know that it took him less than 2 weeks to move on. He replied “it wasn’t 2 weeks”.

He was already moving on, while still being with me. And it hurts so much to think about it. That while I was trying to make us work again, he was already thinking of what was gonna be next.

So here I am. On my bed in tears. It’s 5.30 am. An hour after I found out that he is seeing someone. Feeling the same pain as when we broke up. Feeling paralyzed. Not sure how to face the day.

I’m searching for the strength that lies in me. I know I have it. I know I can walk again. I can be happy again.

I also know this man was never for me. I know he never truly loved me… He fell in love, deeply, but he never loved me. And seeing how fast he moved on, just reminds me that it was a good decision to breakup. I want a man who chooses me. A man who feels the happiest man in the world because he is with me. A man who opens his heart to me and who is giving. A man who appreciates everything he gets from me.

This man was not my ex. He never was. But I intend to find Him.