How to Stop Feeling Small Around Women 

Lesson 3

The secret to reclaiming your power lies in boundaries. In this lesson we are exploring 4 types of boundaries and tips how to start setting them.

Setting boundaries is about respecting yourself enough to demand that others treat you right. If you were not taught (or allowed) to develop boundaries in childhood, then it often feels like setting a boundary will cut you off from love. This is not true, but you will need time to learn it.

Think of boundaries as protection. We protect things we value! You keep your money in your wallet - a wallet serves as a boundary. Our organs are vital, so they are protected by the skin - another form of boundary. Countries have borders, houses have walls.
Having own boundaries is about recognising yourself as important and precious - something that deserves to be protected.

There are 4 main types of boundaries:
1. Emotional
2. Physical (these include sexual boundaries)
3. Time
4. Mental

So how do you start setting boundaries? By following these 4 steps:

1. Know what you need and want

It may sound simple, but if you’ve been stuck in people pleasing, then you are disconnected from your needs. People who have weak boundaries struggle to separate own needs from the needs of others.
Best way to find your boundary? Reflect on moments when you feel angry, contracted or in any other way unhappy. All these emotions are a sign that your needs are not being met.

2. Communicate clearly

No one will know you have a boundary unless you communicate it. We often assume it’s obvious, or that our partner knows. And maybe sometimes that’s true. But as a rule you should always assume they don’t. Always express your boundary.

3. Stick to your boundaries

You will get challenged, especially if you haven’t set boundaries before. You have to resist. This is why we are starting with small situations, where stakes aren’t as high. The biggest the boundary, the more resistance you can get. The smaller? The less resistance. So it’s best to build this new muscle this way.

4. Respect Her Boundary

This goes both ways: if you want to be able to say ’no’ to her, you need to allow her the same freedom.
People who prioritize others, usually expect others to do the same. This is a form of projection. You probably take rejection and criticism personally, and this is why you struggle to stand up for yourself - because you know how painful it is to be on the receiving end of it.
It’s something you have to learn, so give it time. Next time she says ‘no’ to you, notice how it feels in your body, take a deep breath and a long, slow exhale through the mouth. Relax the body. And look! You survived it. You can do it.

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