How to Stop Feeling Small Around Women 

Lesson 2

Recognize and change main patterns of giving away power

Not feeling equal with women can manifest in many behavioral patterns. Here are the main 4 ones:

PATTERN 1: People pleasing

If in childhood you learn that you needed to be a good boy, or your mom would withdraw her affection, then you can easily develop a habit of trying to please women. This can later manifest as saying no her, to keep peace, agreeing to things you don’t really want to do, and prioritising her needs over yours.

ACTION STEPS:

1. Reflect or journal about these questions. Think of specific situations when you may do it:

• Am I saying "yes" out of obligation, or because I genuinely want to?
• Am I afraid of saying "no" because I don’t want to disappoint her or make her upset?
• How do I feel after giving in to her requests?

2. Start saying ‘no’ in small situations. We are building a new muscle, so you really want to pace it. When discussing something you don’t agree with, give yourself the right to express your views.
If she asks for something (ex. Take out the trash, get me something from the shop) and you are busy or tired, say it. You can use these sentences: “I’m sorry honey, I am really tired (busy) right now. I will do it later (tomorrow)”.
Notice how you feel after expressing this boundaries: Empowered? Scared? Excited? Small? Big?

PATTERN 2: Fear of rejection

If you were often rejected by your mother, didn’t receive affection when you needed or asked for, then it’s easy to develop the fear of being rejected by someone you love. This will usually result in an anxious attachment style and is very closely linked to people pleasing - because we try to please others so they don’t reject us.

Unfortunately, this often means you put yourself second. While it’s ok to compromise, if you always prioritize her needs at the expense of yours, it will impact your self-esteem, satisfaction and even health. Your needs can’t be ignored forever. One day they will rebel and break havoc. It is essential to start prioritising our own needs.

ACTION STEPS:

1. Reflect on the nature of rejection. It’s a part of life. You can’t escape it, no one can. Truth is, nice people get rejected just as often as assertive or rude people do. So if you know you will get rejected here and there, you may just well take care of yourself in the process.

2. Continue saying no. You’ll notice when you express your boundary, she may reject you. When you practice with small, not important things, you’ll be able to take the rejection. This way you’re building your resilience to it.

PATTERN 3: Fear of being controlled

If your mother was overbearing and controlling, you may have learnt that love means submitting to someone else’s power.

This can manifest in two ways: either a passive way of being (just allowing your faith) or rebellion (fighting against any control).

ACTION STEPS:

1. Where are you passively letting her take control over your life? Where is she the leader, and you more of a supporter or a servant? And how do you feel about it?

2. Where do you fear taking responsibility and need to consult her? Where are you scared to do something, without her approval?

3. And where do you rebel? Where do you find yourself pushing her away (or pulling away) in order to re-establish your control in the situation?

PATTERN 4: Fear of losing love/approval

If the love you were given was conditional, you have likely developed this pattern.

This pattern is very similar to the second one: fear of rejection, and it will too result in trying to be agreeable, likeable and pleasing. You may find it really hard to stand up for yourself and say ’no’ to hear, because you were not allowed to assert yourself as a child.

ACTION STEPS:

1. You need to work on your self-esteem: You are worthy of love. Repeat it as often as you need to until you believe.

2. Recognize that giving away power doesn’t get you love - it gets you abuse. There is no love without respect and equality.

3. Keep practicing saying ’no’.

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